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JOKES (the number of jokes will keep on growing)
On his trip to the Soviet Union, President Kennedy saw many drunks. He asked Breznyev about it. Surprised Breznyev replied "...and there are no drunks in the US, in NYC?" "No" answered Kennedy. "When you come to NYC, you may shoot first three drunks you see." After 6 months, Breznyev came to NYC, and walked out of the Soviet embassy. He shot first three drunks he saw, and came back, and went to sleep. When he waked up next day, he read in the New York Times "A bald, short gangster shot three employees of the Soviet embassy."
In a Soviet pre-school, the teacher describes the Soviet Union to the children: "In the Soviet Union all kids are happy. In the Soviet Union all kids have lots of beautiful toys and live in great apartments..." Suddenly one child starts to cry and scream: "I want to go to the Soviet Union!"
A man explains to the Soviet authorities that he has to go to the United States to help his sick uncle. The representative of the authorities replies: "Why would not your uncle come to the Soviet Union? You can take a better care of him here." The man answers: "I said that he is sick, not stupid."
During the last meeting of the Communist Party, one participant made a proposal to award two medals of the Soviet Revolution to the last emperor ( Char) of Russia. Other surprised delegates asked him "why?" He answered: "Because he ruled Russia in such a way that the revolution became possible, and because he left enough rope and wood for the seventy years of hanging."
In a Soviet school, the teacher talks about Lenin. Suddenly, one student asks her a question: "You personally knew Comrade Lenin, could you say anything good about him?" The teacher thinks for a long while and replies: "One day Comrade Lenin was peeling a skin off an apple with a knife, and a hungry child came to him and asked for a piece of the apple. Comrade Lenin told him to go to hellÖ" Seeing the surprise on the faces of her students, she added: "You see, he could have cut a little bustard, and he did not, that how good he was."
A delegation from his native Georgia leaves Stalin's office after an hourly meeting. Stalin realizes that he cannot find his pipe and calls Dhzierhzynsky to find out if anyone from the delegation took his pipe. After 30 minutes Stalin finds the pipe under the table and calls Dhzierhzynsky to let the delegation go. Dhzierhzynsky answers Stalin's call: "I am sorry Comrade, but one half of the delegation already admitted that they took your pipe, and the other half died during questioning."
His subordinate Peter asks a hero of the Soviet Revolution, officer Chapayev if he would drink a lake of vodka. He answers: "Yes." Peter continues:" Would you drink a sea of vodka." Chapayev answers: "This could be only done by Comrade Lenin." Peter continues: "Would Comrade Lenin drink an ocean of vodka." Chapayev answers: "No, even he could not, there is not enough cucumbers." (In Slavic countries people, when binge-drinking, sometime eat cucumbers.)
Russian, German, and American were stranded on a little uninhabited Pacific island after their plain crushed. One day, they caught a golden fish that could talk. She told them that if they release her, she will fulfil their three wishes. The German said: "I want to go back to Germany because we have the best beer and most relible cars in the world." The American said: "I want to go back to the US because we have greatest freedom and most money in the world." The Russian, after thinking for a while, said: "I do not want to leave. It is better here than on my little collective farm in the Soviet Union. One thing, I need company...could you bring these two guys back."
Comrade Pyetrov was sant on a trip to Hungary. One day after he began, he wrote: "Long live the free People's Republic of Czechoslovakia." Two days later, he wrote again: "Long live the free People's Republic of Hungary." Four days later, one day after he was due back, he wrote: "Viva la France, long live free Pyetrov !"
Communist is a person who read Das Kapital. Anti-Communist is a person who read Das Kapital and understood.
A person comes to a post office and complains: "These new stamps with Lenin do not stick..." The clerk answers: "Comrade, you probably spit on the wrong side."
A TRUE POLISH JOKE
A grandson complains to his grandfather after a trip to the Soviet Union: "You told me that there is a lot of gold, silver, food, and beautiful women, but all I found was poverty..." The grandfather asks:" And whom did you go with?" The grandson answers:"I went with a traveling company." "That's why..." The grandfather says after a while: "I went with Marshal Pilsudski, in 1920, during the Polish-Bolshevik War."
In the Soviet school, a teacher asks a student: "Who is your father?"-"Stalin"-Who is your mother?"-"Soviet Union"-"And whom do you want to become ?"-"An orphan..."
Five Things To Remember In The Soviet Union Ruled By Stalin
1. Do not think.
2. If you thought, do not say.
3. If you said, do not write.
4. If you wrote, do not sign.
5. If you signed, recall.
What is a difference between the socialist democracy and the capitalist democracy?
The same as between the electric-chair and the armchair.
Another True Polish Joke - A man, to be executed, is asked about his last wish. The man says: "I want to become a member of the Polish Communist Party (PZPR)." "Why?"-Asks surprised warden."Because my brother-in-law will be very happy when he will read tomorrow in a newspaper that a Communist was executed."-Replyed the man.
